Attuning In Relationships: Why It Matters + How To Do it From an LA Couples Therapist
What is Attunement and Why It Matters? A Los Angeles Relationship Therapist's Perspective
Attunement, as defined by the Gottmans (Couples Counselors), stands for: Awareness, Turning Toward, Tolerance, Understanding, Non-defensive Responding, and Empathy.
Attunement refers to our ability to respond to others in a way that meets their emotional needs. It’s similar to how a parent responds to a child in distress by offering comfort, without merely mirroring the child’s emotions. It’s about recognizing their experience and providing an appropriate response (adapted from Linda Finlay).
When we attune to someone, we pay close attention to them. Attention equals love, and everyone deserves to feel seen and cared for. Attunement means noticing and responding to how someone feels without necessarily adopting their emotions. It’s about supporting their experience through active presence.
Attunement also activates the brain’s mirror neurons, which help us connect emotionally with others and facilitate bonding. Through body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice, we show our attunement. The more attuned we feel as children, the more loved and validated we feel.
Just like a mother attunes to her child, we should attune to our partners. As a Los Angeles Relationship Counselor, I often see couples who lack attunement, and how it negatively impacts their relationship. It shows respect, deepens emotional connection, and regulates both partners’ nervous systems. Instead of focusing on content or preparing your response, attunement allows you to truly listen to your partner’s emotional state. If you seek more intimacy and understanding, attunement is key.
Here’s how to practice attunement with your partner:
Read Their Cues: Pay attention to body language, tone, and pace of speech. Recognize emotional patterns over time, and connect them to their feelings.
Give Them Grace: Pause to consider why your partner might be acting a certain way. Take a moment to empathize with their situation and see things from their perspective.
Practice Active Listening: Instead of planning your response, be present. Make eye contact, avoid distractions, and validate what they’re saying. Use open-ended questions like, “You seem upset. What’s going on?” rather than “Are you upset?”
Tune In to Yourself: Before you can truly connect with someone, you need to be aware of your own emotions. Reflect on your feelings and needs. Acknowledge them without judgment and take responsibility for how you react.
Attunement involves deeply listening to both verbal and non-verbal cues. By focusing on your partner’s feelings, rather than your own thoughts or reactions, you create space for genuine connection. The goal is to understand not only the story being shared but also the emotions behind it—whether your partner feels relieved, nervous, or sad in that moment.
By practicing attunement, you build a stronger, more emotionally fulfilling relationship.
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