Three Types of Boundaries + Why They Matter
Insights from a Los Angeles Relationship Therapist
Boundaries: A Key Element of Healthy Relationships and Personal Growth
Here are three types of boundaries and why they matter, and help to bring you deeper into the relationships you desire with yourself and others, as shared by Los Angeles-based relationship therapist Julia Willinger.
As a therapist practicing Internal Family Systems in Los Angeles, I often emphasize the importance of boundaries in emotional and relational health. Pat Ogden, a leader in sensorimotor psychology, defines a boundary as “something that sets a limit or border. It is where one person ends, and another begins in relationship. It may be a place of meeting rather than a place of separation.” This perspective highlights that boundaries are not just about keeping people out—they’re about creating a space where authentic connection can thrive.
Why Boundaries Matter in Personal Development and Throughout Life
Boundaries are essential for healthy development. From childhood to adulthood, they shape how we understand ourselves and interact with the world. When we lack clear boundaries, we may experience difficulties like feeling overwhelmed, overextended, or disconnected from our true selves. On the other hand, rigid boundaries can leave us isolated and distant from others. Striking a balance is key, and it's something we continually adjust throughout our lives.
We often adapt our behaviors based on whether our boundaries are too porous (letting too much in) or too closed (keeping others out). Understanding and honoring your boundaries can lead to greater emotional resilience and more fulfilling relationships.
The Neurobiology of Boundaries
In terms of neurobiology, boundaries are essential for managing how we respond to the world around us. Healthy boundaries support emotional regulation and stress management, while porous or rigid boundaries can lead to challenges like anxiety, burnout, or difficulty connecting with others.
Jules Shore, a psychotherapist who specializes in neurobiology and boundaries, describes three main types of boundaries that we navigate throughout our lives:
1. External/Behavioral Boundaries
These boundaries are about setting limits on external behavior. For example, you might say, “I can’t talk to you when you raise your voice,” or “I’d love to see you, but I need some time to recharge.” These are the “no” boundaries—clear, direct limits that protect your emotional space. They allow you to communicate your needs without guilt or hesitation.
2. Psychological Boundaries
Psychological boundaries are the internal distinctions that separate your emotional and mental world from others. This involves recognizing the space between “your truth” and “my truth.” For example, just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t mean their opinion should overshadow your own. Pat Ogden refers to this as having an “air” between people—a “Jello wall” that allows you to maintain a sense of self while still being open to others’ perspectives. Psychological boundaries help you stay grounded in your own beliefs, values, and feelings without being overwhelmed by external influences.
3. Containing Boundaries
Containing boundaries help regulate your behavior, particularly in moments of emotional overwhelm or when you’re tempted to act out of impulse. These boundaries are the internal checks that stop you from crossing into unhealthy behaviors. For example, a containing boundary might stop you from saying something hurtful in an argument or from engaging in a self-destructive habit. They’re essential for maintaining self-respect and healthy self-esteem. When these boundaries are respected, you can experience healthy shame—a natural response that helps you learn from mistakes without spiraling into self-criticism.
Co-Creating Boundaries in Relationships
One of the most effective ways to navigate boundaries is through co-creating them with others. In relationships, boundaries are often negotiated, especially during disagreements or when expectations differ. When both people understand and honor each other’s boundaries, it creates a space for deeper connection and mutual respect. Setting boundaries together allows for compromise, understanding, and a shared commitment to emotional well-being.
By developing a healthy understanding of boundaries—both internal and external—you can enhance your emotional resilience, foster meaningful connections, and create a more balanced life. Boundaries are not about separation, but about fostering a healthy sense of self and honoring the space between you and others.
Relational and Holistic Healing in LA: Ready to Begin Your Journey in Your Relationships?
Healing doesn't have to feel out of reach or overwhelming. If you’ve been struggling with feeling disconnected from your partner, relationship therapy offers a gentle yet effective way to reconnect and rebuild trust within yourself and your relationship. It’s not just about managing symptoms—it’s about creating lasting transformation and strengthening the bond you share with your loved one.
Whether you're exploring somatic therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, or seeking support for anxiety, there are tailored solutions to meet your relationship’s unique needs. If anxiety is taking control, relationship therapy with Julia Willinger can help you regain balance and connection. For those dealing with past trauma, trauma-informed relationship therapy can guide you toward healing without re-experiencing painful moments.
You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. If you're ready to feel more grounded, connected, and aligned with who you truly are in your relationship, Julia Willinger is here to support you. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and start your path to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.